Just thoughts

Have you ever felt that you were just one big mistake.  And you keep making mistakes over the other.  It seems like I have never done anything right.  It’s like I’m a walking time bomb of mistakes.  Mistake after the other, and can’t even make up for it.  Like quicksand.  I don’t know why, but when it comes to love, I lose my pride, I put myself down just to make my partner happy.  I don’t even know if that is correct.  What I know is that is not right, and unhealthy.  I can’t be myself, and I don’t know why.  Why does it feel like I’m walking on egg shells.  Was I wrong for loving too much?  Why does it feel that I should just walk away, and yet there is something that’s pulling me back.  Do I just give it time and just let it simmer down?  Should I still wait?  Am I too much of a martyr?  I just don’t know anymore!!!!

It is 11:44 pm, and thank goodness he did come back, but things are different.  I feel a distance between us, and it seems serious.  He wants to end his life, and yet, I can’t let him do that.  I wouldn’t be even able to go to his wake if that happened.  Shit, I don’t even want to think about it, because it hurts too much.  But sometimes, it does cross my mind, what if something bad happened to him, what if he found someone else he could be with and finally be happy and someone he could actually touch and hug?  What if he decides to leave me, what will happen to me?  Would I be able to or would I be strong enough to pull through that?  I don’t really know, but for now I am happy that he came back to me, even though there’s a barrier between us.  I have been lost without him.  Could it be that I’m just too stubborn that I can really live without him?  There are so many times that I want to quit.  Like I just want it to be over.  And yet he would say things to bring me back.  Say things that would make me forget that I was about to leave.  That is usually the case, but I should be strong enough to say, “hey if you don’t want me then okay, i’ll just move on”.  I really don’t know what else I could do for him.  I may sound pathetic, stupid, crazy, stubborn, and blind, but that or this is how I feel about my Charlie.  He just makes me happy, and I wish I could do the same .  It’s our first year anniversary, and yet look at where we are now .

It’s Valentine’s day.  It’s actually the first year since Charlie wanted to be with me.  And now, he wouldn’t even talk to me.  I haven’t talked to him in 2 days, and now he wouldn’t even talk to me.  Could this be the sign that I asked God to show me whether or not Charlie and I are meant to be together?  I know there is a time and place for everything.  Maybe I should just really take that into affect and that I shouldn’t rush things.  And maybe, just maybe, I would stop looking for things that are beyond me reach and focus on being independent.  Thing there is, I don’t know why I can’t let go of Charlie.  There have been numerous times that I do want to give up, but then he would say things, do things to make me come back, without even him realizing he is doing it.  It may be a long shot for him and I to be physically together, close to never, but I’m not giving up hope.  Yes, I can be a martyr sometimes, heck, make that EVERY TIME, but that’s just who I am.  Ruled by the heart.  Love is a feeling and a choice.  That I believe.

It’s 2012 already, and yet here I am feelings are still the same.  Would this year be a year for me to be a better me?  Would this be MY year for me to stand on my own feet and be able to be independent?  Would this year be the year where for once, everything I wish and dream would come true?!  Would this be the year for myself and be with the people I want to be with?  Would I finally be less down and more up this year?  Or would I continue to sink down and have a tough time to stand up.  This year HAS to be my year.  To be able to study and work for myself and be able to help out my brother.  I don’t want to just sit here and depend on them.  People are leaving me behind, I admit to that, and it hurts.  It hurts to admit that I am truly a failure and that I am not doing anything about it.  This year NEEDS to be the year that I will be with my honey and make him happy with all the effort I could give out.  *sigh*

Up and down and up and down.  Somehow I feel that it would never stop.  Why am I always walking on egg shells when sometimes I feel that I truly am happy.  There would be moments I would be very happy, then in a split second, I could be so down due to what you feel.  I know you have been hurt many times, and that you had a difficult life and what Life has given you.  But does that include ME!?  I know you feel you don’t deserve to be loved and cared for, but everyone deserves to be loved no matter what their past has been.  From the start, you weren’t treated the way you were treated.  It is very hard for you to understand why I feel the way I feel, and why I care so much.  But would it really be trouble if you let me in your heart?  You have a very tough time on trusting people, especially those who say “i love you” to you.  Can’t I be an exception from that one?  Yes, I know we live thousands of miles apart, and I know that you feel that we may never ever meet in person, and to be honest, I myself feel the same thing.  I don’t know why, but I am still hopeful about that.  Still hopeful that one day we will be together, and finally, the first time in your life, you’ll be treated the way you are SUPPOSED to be treated.  With love, care and passion.  You have no idea how much it hurts me when you push me away.  To be honest, sometimes I want to give up cause I don’t want to push myself to someone who really does not want me.  But there is always something pulling me back to you, making me stay.  Though there have been many times that I wanted to give up cause I get emotionally tired, cause you keep pushing me away, even though you know that I love you.  Why can’t you use me as strength.  Why can’t you just face life knowing I am here with you and we will soon be together.  It may take so many years for us to be together, but we still will.  I know it scares you, but it scares me too that I might one day lose you due to me not being strong enough to handle you pushing me away.  People have limitations, and I don’t know how long I can last when you keep on pushing me away just when I feel everything was okay or when I feel the most happiest.  This is not a threat, just a fact.  I do love you, but if you keep pushing me away and not trusting me enough, what would become our relationship?

sometimes, when death happens in your life, it makes you think of your life.  my friend was just 36 when she passed, hasn’t even lived a full life, and yet she was taken away by our Creator.  God has a reason for taking Ate Donna, and it was just her time to be with Him.  Sometimes it makes me think, what the hell am I doing with my life.  I mean, I am already 28 and yet, here I am living with the family, cannot even stand on my own.  How on earth am I to expect myself to be in US if I don’t do anything at all… what a life I am living.

Here I am once again, just pouring out my thoughts.  I am in a “situation” where I don’t know if I am a girlfriend or just a friend.  There is no doubt that I love him, and that I want to be with him.  But sometimes, when I think about it, I don’t really know how we will be together.  The only way I could be where he is, is if I take up a course and get hired and work there.  But it seems like a long shot.  Sometimes I think if is it really worth it and if if is it worth the wait, but sometimes I feel that it is.  I can’t even let him go.  When we text, I value all his texts and he does make me happy.  Plus, I have pictured myself having a family with him.  I just hope that really one day, we would meet and FINALLY be together.  I just really don’t know sometimes.  Just weird.

26 days to go and it’s Christmas season once again.  This is my favorite season, I love buying gifts and looking forward on buying gifts and giving gifts and baking.  I love to bake. This year I am adding chocolate cupcakes and my red velvet cupcakes.  I hope this year I could make enough money to buy things that I like or just save enough money so I wouldn’t keep on asking my parents for money.  I have finally gotten my cupcake boxes, and one of these days, I will bake the red velvet and chocolate cupcakes again and my cookies, and take a picture of it and say that I am ready to sell. I hope this year would be a good year for me, and I hope I could get enough money for myself.

A friend of mine passed away last Wednesday, November 23rd.  I was close to her when I was still active on serving in Singles For Christ, and whenever there would be Christmas parties in the house, we would talk.  We don’t text everyday, but she would greet me on my birthday, I would see the light in her eyes when she sees me.  And now that she has passed, I miss her more.  Why is it that we tend to miss someone when they’re finally gone. Why does it have to be like that?  Though I am the guilty part here cause I couldn’t even go to gatherings, and to meetings.  Yesterday, Saturday, was her funeral, she was brought to her last resting place.  I don’t even know why I was crying last night before sleeping.  And while I was watching the Philippine version of Big Brother, I couldn’t imagine if I were inside the house and knowing that Ate Donna has passed away, or even knowing it when I would be evicted or something.  I just couldn’t bare it and it made me sad.  I miss her, I miss my registration partner.  I miss Ate Donna… Ate Donna, I miss you.  Ate Donna, I love you.