Just thoughts

It is almost 11 pm, and here I am laying in bed, and just thinking.  Thinking of my day, of what I did today and what has happened today.  Upon thinking, old thoughts creep in, and make me dislike myself more and more.  We have all made mistakes, we have all made some regrets, and those feelings crawl up on me, making me want to hurt myself for what happened.  Most of the time, I hate it when I am in a thinking mood cause it causes me to be down even though I have had a fun day.  And it makes me feel more useless and worthless cause of the way I am.  Don’t you just hate it when you are thinking and instead of good things come into your mind, your bad thoughts and bad things are in your mind?  I have some issues that I would like to deal with, but no means of doing it whatsoever.  I often felt envious with some people’s relationship with their siblings.  They’re so close and so tight, that I can’t even imagine doing that with my brothers.  They are too stiff and that they all treat me like I am nothing, and yet when they do need me, they want me to ALWAYS be there.  My eldest brother just assumes I am here cause I always get his kids cause he is working, and that he knows that I love his son, who is a special needs kid, like my own.  For the second one, well, he treats me with disrespect, and I treat him the same way.  He does not acknowledge my opinions, he does not believe what I say, and he puts me down.  As a defense mechanism, I don’t mind him and that I shoot him down too, and disrespect.  As for my third brother, well he is away from all of this crap so he is the lucky one.  I do not know why I am too caught up with this issue, and I know I should move on, but maybe the reason behind it is, I do not have any idea to move forward with this issue.  Cause every time I see my parents with my other siblings, it is totally different!!!  And to think I am the youngest AND the ONLY girl.

Question, when a guy tells you “you do not have to explain yourself to me hell I live miles away, it does not matter what I think”, what does that mean?  This is what my Charlie says to me.  I don’t really know what I could say to make him feel that I am for real.  Could this be the sign that I should let him go?  Is this a sign that means Charlie and I aren’t meant for each other?  Yes, it has been a year since he and I have been together, and yet I can’t tell my family about him because I know what they’ll say.  They’ll ask what is his work, how old is he, and all sorts of questions.  And I know they’ll use it against me, me being in front of the computer ALL THE TIME.  It’s like 2004 all over again.  I don’t even know why I can’t let him go.  Would there really be a future for us?  I’d like to think so, but sometimes I think that there won’t be.  Maybe I should just focus on my nephew than focus on me finding love.  Don’t get me wrong, I do love my Charlie so much, that won’t change… but sometimes I just feel that I should just be single, learn to live it, learn to love it, and focus on myself and my nephew and save money for my nephew.

“Why should it, I am just a safety net at miles away and not actually known by anyone and have been together for over a year now but that is understandable because Americans are gold diggers”.  How could you defend yourself by that when you yourself do not think that, but the people around you do?  My mom has never liked foreigners for a partner.  She does not like the different cultures, the different beliefs, and that for her she’s generalizing, that Americans are gold diggers, especially with what happened with my cousin.  But I DO NOT believe that.  My beliefs are somewhat different from them.  I just don’t know anymore…. could this really be the sign that I should start letting go and that he and I aren’t meant for each other no matter how much I want him to be.  I’ve cried lakes for him whenever he and I would be in bad waters.  He makes me smile when I re-read his texts.  Could it be infatuation?  Some people do confuse infatuation with love.  True love waits as they say.  My sister in law always says to her child “there is a time and place for everything”, maybe this isn’t the time for me to find love no matter how much I want it to be.  Maybe I need to make myself be better first before the other things.  Should I ask him if he wants me to leave him?  But what if he says says? =s that would be really painful…. *sigh*

Have you ever felt when you wake up first thing in the morning, and you already feel that it’s going to be one of those days that things are going to fall apart?  Well, that’s how I felt this morning, and even now it’s 4 pm, that’s still how I feel.  Everything, with my mood, with my boyfriend.  It seems that everything is falling apart.  I feel such a failure and a disappointment to my boyfriend and it’s because I don’t always make him happy.  I mean from the 1 year that we have been together, I think I have given him more reason to be upset with me that be happy.  I feel that I’m disappointing him by the way I am.  I need to change big time.  Not just for him but for myself too.  I need to be able to get the things I need for me to move forward in my life.  I need to get paperworks for me to go back to school.  For me to be able to stand on my own feet, and be able to help out my eldest brother.

It’s 8:30 am, and I just woke up, and already I am not in a good mood.  I just re-read my saved texts on my phone, and it just makes me want to sigh and give up.  I always wondered why people can be so judgmental.  I mean, why do we have to put up something that we are not.  I don’t know know where I got my attitude of not being judgmental, though I do admit that I am sometimes.  But generally I am not judgmental.  I think the saying “innocent until proven guilty” is perfect for me, cause for me everyone is okay, until I saw that they are not.  It’s just hard living my life.  Though I know there are others who had it much worse than me, but still.  Being a girl in this family makes me feel like a curse.  I should’ve been a guy instead.  Cause if I were a guy, I’d be more free.  Is it so bad I feel jealous with my other cousins when they are so free, so close to their siblings, and as though I pretend that I am, I really am not.  I don’t really know what to do.  I know I am blessed, and I thank God for that, but at what price?  I am not doubting Him, it’s just that I can really see that no one is perfect.  There is always something wrong.  For me, I think I am the mistake, even though I read somewhere that I am not.  But I can’t help but feel like that.  It’s like I’m a ticking time bomb, about to explode any moment.  Is it bad that I want something bad to happen to me?  The other day, I was thinking of having a bubble bath, then from a relaxing thought it became gruesome, to the point that I would have the bath, then cut so deep or take pills, and they’d take 12 hours for them to realize I was unconscious and it would be too late for them to revive me.  Or even thought of I have slipped in the bathroom and it would be too late when they found me.  Don’t get me wrong, I do love my life, it’s just that I’m not free.  I love my family and all, but they just step on me like I’m just a welcome mat.  And even my second brother whom I was close to before treats me like crap and disrespect.  He thinks it’s all fun and games always teasing me.  I want to show him that because of what he does to me, this –meaning death– is the outcome.  I don’t even think he’ll cry.  He’ll be apathetic, that’s what I believe.  I don’t even know who will cry.  I used to make videos of myself like those tributes, and I’d use sad songs.  I think I made three ^__^.  It’s weird that I can smile huh That’s how I am.  I’ve been so used on covering up what I feel, that even I myself do not know how I truly feel.  Sometimes I wonder how it is to talk to a T, but I can hear my parents saying, why trust a complete stranger with what you are feeling… you do not tell someone everything.  I find that hard, cause I want to let everything out, and yet I have to hold back because of the worry of it affecting my dad and family.  So, I always thought and still do, that it is better I am gone so they won’t worry I would slip up.  Agree or disagree? Nevermind, don’t answer that!

Earlier today, I went swimming with the kids.  When I was about to leave, my honey came in and as much as I wanted to stay, I couldn’t stay cause I needed to go.  Here’s my problem, my honey thinks I leave whenever he comes, and he thinks I am hiding something from him.  I don’t know what to say for him to know that I was telling the truth, the whole truth so help me God.  And now, I feel little by little, he is slipping away from me.  Could this be a sign that we are not meant to be?  Is this a sign that tells me I should let go and not hold on too tight?  Have I held on too tight that it is time for me to loosen the grip and learn to completely let him go?  Could it be time for me to really let go?  But how come I can’t, how come I wince just thinking about it.  Just the thought of it hurts.  The thought of him angry and mad, and most of all disappointed is really painful for me.  Why am I like this?  Every time I’m in a relationship, I crumble under them.  Is it because I need their approval badly cause I never got it from my parents?  Man, I badly need a T.  But if I ask it from my parents, they’ll just say why open up to a stranger?  Or they’ll say don’t open up to them or you do not tell them everything.  *sigh*  sometimes I wish for everything to just end, but I know I’ll hurt a lot of people more if I pushed through.  I’ll hurt Rachel, my honey, my niece, not sure about my parents.  Not even sure if I’ll have friends visit me in my wake.  Oh well, I’ll end it here for now..

I don’t actually know what to write, but I just want to blog something.  Since February 22nd, I have been worried about my Charlie.  The moment I read his comment, my imagination went too active.  There was even one night, that I couldn’t sleep well cause I kept on thinking about what is going on with him.  Am I wrong for loving too much or am I wrong for caring too much?  The following day, he and I talked and it was his other personality that was awake, and he told me everything that went through.  And I feel so helpless because I can’t do anything for him, and I am 8,000 Miles away.  How sad is that… long distance relationship is always a drag.  Am I being selfish for wanting to be the center of his life, for wanting to be the best girlfriend he’s had, to be the one to make him be grounded?  Too many thoughts are running in my head, and sometimes I just feel stressed about it and overwhelmed and that all I could so is sigh.  Who would even think that I’d meet someone and love them through PsychCentral.  Sometimes, when I am just by myself and think, I often think of what if I didn’t come online for 3 days or a week without notice.  Would they worry?  Would my Charlie look for me, worry about me?  Or would he be apathetic about it?  When I talked with his other personality, he did mention that I am the host’s rock and anchor.  That really made my day, though it made me cry, and I don’t know why.  By this summer, I have to do something to be able to work abroad and be able to help out my sister in law with her kids.  I plan to take up nursing or HRM or whatever I am qualified with.  Sometimes I think maybe I can delve in Psychology, but that is just a thought.  I cannot be like this forever.  I hope my Charlie would understand if I am not online as much starting June.  I just need to change my life so I could be with him already.  I will do my best.

Have you ever felt that you were just one big mistake.  And you keep making mistakes over the other.  It seems like I have never done anything right.  It’s like I’m a walking time bomb of mistakes.  Mistake after the other, and can’t even make up for it.  Like quicksand.  I don’t know why, but when it comes to love, I lose my pride, I put myself down just to make my partner happy.  I don’t even know if that is correct.  What I know is that is not right, and unhealthy.  I can’t be myself, and I don’t know why.  Why does it feel like I’m walking on egg shells.  Was I wrong for loving too much?  Why does it feel that I should just walk away, and yet there is something that’s pulling me back.  Do I just give it time and just let it simmer down?  Should I still wait?  Am I too much of a martyr?  I just don’t know anymore!!!!

It is 11:44 pm, and thank goodness he did come back, but things are different.  I feel a distance between us, and it seems serious.  He wants to end his life, and yet, I can’t let him do that.  I wouldn’t be even able to go to his wake if that happened.  Shit, I don’t even want to think about it, because it hurts too much.  But sometimes, it does cross my mind, what if something bad happened to him, what if he found someone else he could be with and finally be happy and someone he could actually touch and hug?  What if he decides to leave me, what will happen to me?  Would I be able to or would I be strong enough to pull through that?  I don’t really know, but for now I am happy that he came back to me, even though there’s a barrier between us.  I have been lost without him.  Could it be that I’m just too stubborn that I can really live without him?  There are so many times that I want to quit.  Like I just want it to be over.  And yet he would say things to bring me back.  Say things that would make me forget that I was about to leave.  That is usually the case, but I should be strong enough to say, “hey if you don’t want me then okay, i’ll just move on”.  I really don’t know what else I could do for him.  I may sound pathetic, stupid, crazy, stubborn, and blind, but that or this is how I feel about my Charlie.  He just makes me happy, and I wish I could do the same .  It’s our first year anniversary, and yet look at where we are now .

It’s Valentine’s day.  It’s actually the first year since Charlie wanted to be with me.  And now, he wouldn’t even talk to me.  I haven’t talked to him in 2 days, and now he wouldn’t even talk to me.  Could this be the sign that I asked God to show me whether or not Charlie and I are meant to be together?  I know there is a time and place for everything.  Maybe I should just really take that into affect and that I shouldn’t rush things.  And maybe, just maybe, I would stop looking for things that are beyond me reach and focus on being independent.  Thing there is, I don’t know why I can’t let go of Charlie.  There have been numerous times that I do want to give up, but then he would say things, do things to make me come back, without even him realizing he is doing it.  It may be a long shot for him and I to be physically together, close to never, but I’m not giving up hope.  Yes, I can be a martyr sometimes, heck, make that EVERY TIME, but that’s just who I am.  Ruled by the heart.  Love is a feeling and a choice.  That I believe.

It’s 2012 already, and yet here I am feelings are still the same.  Would this year be a year for me to be a better me?  Would this be MY year for me to stand on my own feet and be able to be independent?  Would this year be the year where for once, everything I wish and dream would come true?!  Would this be the year for myself and be with the people I want to be with?  Would I finally be less down and more up this year?  Or would I continue to sink down and have a tough time to stand up.  This year HAS to be my year.  To be able to study and work for myself and be able to help out my brother.  I don’t want to just sit here and depend on them.  People are leaving me behind, I admit to that, and it hurts.  It hurts to admit that I am truly a failure and that I am not doing anything about it.  This year NEEDS to be the year that I will be with my honey and make him happy with all the effort I could give out.  *sigh*